Your Inner Strength

A few months ago, I entered the darkest time of my life. This was before the pandemic, and had been building for a while but I hadn't realized it was coming. I don't want or need to go into details, for while the finer points are unique to me, the overall situation is universal: we enter the Darkness and face our deepest self. We face our mortality, what we care most about, and who we truly are in the network of our community. 

In the midst of this I encountered a defining moment. I felt and connected to a glowing energy deep in my core that said, "No matter what, this is your Strength. This is part of your True Self, deep, directly connected to God/Spirit. Center in this space and all is well."

Imagine you have a cave system, like a cenote that goes deep into the earth. Now imagine it is seen as the ancestors no doubt regarded these seemingly endless cave systems - a cenote that ties into the Spirit realms. That is how this space feels. Deeper than Spacetime. Accessible through my core. Strong, warm, whole. Unconditional.

I go here to meditate, to sit in the space that says: Be Still, and Know that I am Here. It's a space to inhabit when I'm feeling afraid, or getting triggered. For part of this phase of life is that I am being shown the trauma of my past and helped to release it. I need that deep, unconditional Presence to help me through. It does help, for it shows me the bigger energy of unfolding and lets me know I will be okay, although I don't know really what "okay" means anymore.

Have you found this space in you? If you get quiet, deeply still, and open to your core, what do you find? It is Joy, Light, Strength, Solid Authenticity, Your Soul.  Can you inhabit it? It will get you through anything. What if we were all able to center in this True Self and relate to others through this lens? Can you imagine a world like that? I believe miracles come from there, for it is our conscious connection with Creation, Christ, the Creator, Spirit, the Goddess. It's also how we relate to others' true selves, which many people are unable to do. We're all so wrapped up in our fears, projections, and avoiding vulnerability at all costs.

I invite you to enter the cenote with me.

I hold a vision of a world where we See each other's Strength and Truth in all we do.

So mote it be.

She Thought He was the Gardener

According to John 20, Mary Magdalene didn't recognize Jesus when she first saw him return to his empty tomb. She mistook him for the gardener. Why did he look different? Much of this story is metaphor, but not all. We are left over 2000 years later to figure out what is most likely historical and what is a metaphor. Both interpretations teach us about the nature of reality and also of Christ.

I am sitting with two questions about this story. Why a gardener? In Hebrew it means the same thing it does today. And why do we not hear of Him related to as the Gardener more? Potter, carpenter, bridegroom, shepherd. But not gardener! Yet this is in many ways what He is: One who tends His world. Who follows the seasons of death, Resurrection, and New Life. Of Hope and Faith and Promise. That's what we gardeners do. One can be all those things, but I think the gardener aspect is intriguing and powerful, especially at Easter.

My other question is why did Mary not recognize him? Why -- when He had the power to look like or be literally anything, was he unrecognizable? What had he been up to in the time he cast off his shroud and the napkin on his face? Did he watch the sunrise and take in his own Body of Light? What was he thinking?

So then she "turns around" twice. Is this literal, as anyone would when her best friend has just been brutally murdered and then his tomb is empty? Or is this more like a "turning around" that is happening in her mind, like shifting her thinking, as in, woah, all these things he's been telling me are real, and he has triumphed over death? In some way it helps to prepare her for His speaking to her.

So he calls out her name, "Mary!" and then she knows it is He. What was his tone? Loving? A whisper of hope and wonder? Exasperation because she could not see it was he? But then he apparently didn't look like Himself. Then he says don't touch me. She wanted to hug him, no doubt. Did he say this because his new Light Body was too "hot" to touch? Too incorporeal? Or some other reason? I suppose because she can't touch him. He's between the worlds. And yet he does very physical if miraculous things over the next few days, breaking bread with his frightened disciples and filling their fishing nets with a huge catch.

It's a powerful few days in the history of the planet. Over 2000 years later, we are still called to Rise and share the Light with others. In my theology this has nothing to do with "saving" someone from sin, but from guiding our souls into the Darkness of transmutation and into the Light of Awakening. We can be pulled from the sludge of our own internal Hells. Perhaps there is a Gardener in you that is as yet unrecognizable. What parts of you are you watering, germinating, and dreaming about?

Fear of the Darkness

Some seeds need light to germinate; others require darkness. At different points of our lives we have our own different needs. Usually we don't ask for or want the times of darkness, for we are afraid to falter. Afraid of getting lost. Afraid of what we cannot see.

When I taught outdoor education, we took the kids on a Night Hike. At one point we turned off the flashlights, stepped off the trail (we were all holding a rope), and sat in the dark forest. At first I felt discomfort. A sense of being unsure, wary. But then a sensation came over me: I felt cradled, held. I felt, in this utter darkness, seen. The forest saw me. The darkness saw me. In the darkness, I had nothing to prove and no one to be. It was just me and the velvety soft Love of Being.

In this time of germination, as our whole world asks who we are called to become, I wonder how the darkness can guide us. I do not relate to darkness as evil, but as a space for transmutation. Are we seeds that need the dark rich soil to transform? Can we trust the rope that keeps us connected to each other?

We sit in the Wisdom of where Christ guides us, not knowing where we are going. Not knowing who we will become. When he transitioned into a Being of Light destined to guide us, did He know? He knows now, but in this time of crucifixion and Easter, I have no sense at all. But then it isn't about me. It is about knowing that we are seen and held in the Darkness and the Light, and opening my heart to what He calls me to, even though I do not know what that is. Am I germinating or entering the cave of closing doors? I will not know until this time of life passes. 

Much love to you.

Study on Creation Spirituality at The Land, Week 4

At the study I am leading at The Land, a church without walls in Aurora, Colorado, we focused this week on chapter 4. Here are my notes from class.

Cosmology, Liberation & Wisdom

Fox makes the case that these are all aspects of the unified God, expressed in different ways, and with which we can participate.

Trinity: Creator (God)

“God the Creator is the Heart behind the heart that is opened by awe and by suffering to infinite compassion.” – p57

God is an artist.

Liberator (Jesus)

Richard Rohr - : “Jesus is a map for the time-bound and personal level of life; Christ is the blueprint for all time and space and life itself.” https://cac.org/another-name-for-every-thing-2019-02-12/

“Before the world was made, we have been chosen in Christ . . . claimed as God’s own and chosen from the very beginning . . . so that God could bring everything together under the headship of Christ” (Ephesians 1:3, 10, 11)

What is Jesus liberating us from? If not from sin – in the theology of original blessing – then from the darkness discussed in the Beatitudes. P60-61

Jesus is a guide, a prophet, who shows us how to live, how to evolve closer to God.

Luke 4:18 18 "The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He has anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives And recovery of sight to the blind, To set at liberty those who are oppressed;

Wisdom/Sophia/Inspiration (Holy Spirit)

Grace of Wisdom

The grace of Wisdom also expresses itself through the experience of personal revelation. The grace of Wisdom comes to everyone, not only to highly evolved souls with big followings. Wisdom dictates that the more you are seen, the less noise you should make.

Wisdom is the choice that recognizes pain and suffering as part of the human experience. It is inevitable that we will cause each other to suffer in some way. It is wise to recognize yourself in everyone else. Seek the wise response in all events in your life. – Carolyn Myss https://www.myss.com/the-seven-graces-knowledge-2/

Proverbs 3:18 Wisdom is a tree of life to those who embrace her; happy are those who hold her tightly.

An undivided unity; the feminine face of God

From the word “womb” (rehem) comes the verb “to have compassion” (raham).

– Deuteronomy 32:18 You neglected the Rock who begot you, And forgot the God who gave you birth.

Closing prayer: Thank you God, for guiding us to understand your great mystery a little better, to grapple together with these deep questions, to not assume we know you, but to help us be open to what you reveal to us. Help us to bring wisdom into our own lives and into this community to live ever whole and closer to our divine selves.

Study on Creation Spirituality at The Land: Class Three

I've recently found a faith community called The Land,  a Methodist-based outdoor church dedicated to social justice and the Earth.

I have been leading the morning study using Matthew Fox's book Creation Spirituality: Liberating Gifts for the Peoples of the Earth. I am sharing the class curriculum plus a few notes here. Read class one here. Class two can be found here.

Here is class three.

Creation Spirituality at The Land, Class Three

Week 3

Chapters 2-3: Focusing on Compassion, Creativity, and Beauty

Compassion

“Compassion is the moral law of interconnectivity, the cosmic law of responding to another’s pain and suffering as well as to another’s joy and celebration.” P 45 (all page numbers are from Matthew Fox's  Creation Spirituality: Liberating Gifts for the Peoples of the Earth.

This is what the Lord Almighty said: ‘Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another. Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the foreigner or the poor. Do not plot evil against each other.’

Zechariah 7:9-10 | NIV

Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you;
therefore he will rise up to show you compassion.
For the Lord is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him!

Isaiah 30:18 | NIV

Compassion is not sentimentalizing, or pity. It requires feeling with – which makes us face our intensity tolerance. I shared the story of when I was studying at Creation Spirituality University and took a class on compassion. For our final paper we had to write on an act of compassion we would like to serve. How I wrote about helping a friend who had just had a baby and treating a schizophrenic homeless woman as a human being. And how I failed. What I didn't understand then was that I was still thinking of me and them, not us, not suffering with. 

We discussed compassion, and one of the class members shared brain studies on how compassion is contagious. 

Creativity

“Birthing, begetting, dying, and being born – all this happens to stars and planets, to galaxies and microbes, to plants, birds, animals, and humans.” – p 47

Proverbs 22:29

Do you see someone skilled in their work? They will serve before kings; they will not serve before obscure men.

Colossians 3:23-24

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward; you are serving Christ.

Beauty

I walk with beauty before me

I walk with beauty behind me

I walk with beauty above me

I walk with beauty below me

I walk with beauty all around me

Your world is so beautiful, Oh God.

                                                -- Navajo prayer, quoted on page 49

A class member said it made her think of the poem attributed to St. Patrick: 

“Christ with me,
Christ before me,
Christ behind me,
Christ in me,
Christ beneath me,
Christ above me,
Christ on my right,
Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down,
Christ when I sit down,
Christ when I arise,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.”
― Saint Patrick

Which made me think of the Cosmic Christ.

1 Peter 3:3-4

3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

Discussion questions:

Any questions or things that struck you about the reading this week?

Where do you express creativity in your life?

What is an act of compassion you have witnessed recently?

What acts of compassion are you drawn to perform?

What is the feeling of beauty?

How do these relate?

We then took a meditative walk on the path around The Land holding the ideas of compassion, beauty, and creativity in our hearts!

Sitting Dragonfly Vigil

Yesterday I stepped out back to pick a green onion for my breakfast, and discovered a dead dragonfly on the patio. I knelt down to pick him up and he began whirring his wings; he wasn't dead, just dying. I shooed the cat away and brought the beautiful blue and black creature into the house. I gave him a drop of water, which made his wings beat and his legs move. Clearly he couldn't fly anymore. I couldn't think of how to help him, and recalled that dragonflies don't live very long in their adult form. I could, however, make him safe from cats and other predators and give him a place of honor on my kitchen counter, holding the space for him as he passed into Light.

His eyes were like geometric blue opals. They had a depth to them, like a glass gem or a bead of water. My four-year-old remarked that the dragonfly's patterns on his body reminded him of a totem pole. I covered him with a bug-box lid so the cat wouldn't get him but he could breathe, and we left for our trip to the science museum.

When we returned, I thought he had passed, but when I touched him one leg moved. His opalescent eyes had turned a dull black from the top down, with just a crescent of blue at the bottom. I gave him Reiki, hoping it would ease his transition. While he was "just" a bug, he was fierce and beautiful, and I at least wanted to honor his slow death.

When he died, his eyes were completely black. You could literally see the life force leave him through his eyes.

I set him on my altar. Dragonfly is about illusion, and I am writing a book about Zen right now, which is all about the illusions we carry in our heads about life, about each and every thing we encounter. The problem is not that we live in illusion, it is that we think the illusion is "real." Dragonfly teaches us to hold the dichotomy of illusion and what we call reality. He teaches us about the illusion of life and death, and the dichotomy of death being real and final, and not.

I give thanks to the Universe for gifting me this honor of holding vigil while a beautiful Blue Eyed Darner. Aho.













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For more ways to live in harmony with the living earth,
check out my book Living Earth Devotional by Clea Danaan

Have Faith: You are in exactly the right place

Maybe it's Mercury in retrograde, or maybe it's my phase of healing from serious adrenal fatigue, or perhaps it's the natural transition from publishing and promoting Living Earth Devotional, but I'm in a phase of synthesis and preparation. I'm reading multiple books at once, preparing for a career shift, and having dreams about houses that reveal their secrets. I'm seeing how everything I've done up to this point is part of a whole, part of a flow, that will nourish my next phase of life. Since I've done a lot of different things (and incurred some whoppers of student loans), I find this clarity so very affirming and comforting. It's not been a waste or a dalliance or a fluke. My path has been exactly what it is supposed to be.

Trust. Have faith. You are exactly where you need to be, and though you may not know where you are going or where your choices now will lead, you will get where you need to go. Turn inward and listen to the voice of the Mystery. The Creator and your guides and angels are right now answering your prayers. As they say in mountaineering, Trust Your Boots. They will hold you. Just put one foot in front of the other.

If you are struggling, know that you will be guided. Know that you will learn. Do not give up. Spirit is with you. Breathe, and know that you are loved.

October 31: Samhain

I'm challenging myself to follow my own devotional, Living Earth Devotional: 365 Green Practices for Sacred Connection. I will post most days - can't promise all! - here in my blog. We begin today on October 31.

In sitting with a bone and a shell I'd gathered, as well as the many fall leaves I have on my altar, I was struck by how what is left in death, at least at first, is structure. Bones and shells and the lacework of leaves. Saturn energy. What falls away is the soft parts, the mushy insides. These give way to the earth, eaten by others, transformed again and again, serving life.

I'm wondering in what ways I need to trust the strength of structure, and let the soft parts of me flow where they will. Trust the natural transformations of soft tissue and inner substance. I'm seeing how the bigger picture, life beyond me, beyond this moment, can be a structure of sorts for where I am now. Rather than stressing about each little detail of the moment, I can trust the larger structure and let the soft immediate part unfold. That stressing about the details is what I need to let go of. I can do that by trusting Spirit, that holding feeling I sense when I feel into the space beyond Life.

Blessed be.

We are all bees in the Hive

A hive cannot exist without its bees, nor can a single bee exist for long without the hive. The hive's task: transformation of sweetness and light into nourishment and deeper sweetness. Every bee has a job, which changes as she grows older. She helps raise the young, feed the queen, guard the hive, and gather nectar and pollen. When she has flown her wings to nothing, she dies peacefully and her sisters remove her from the hive, where she becomes one with the land that nourished her. Male bees have the very important job of carrying on the genetic code so that hives can be strong and plants can be fertilized and grow fruitful. The queen's job is to lay eggs, ensuring the future of the hive.

I got this idea lifetimes ago that I needed to be bigger than I am, more powerful, caring for others that nothing bad could ever happen. But my insight today was this: I am not a hive, I am a bee. I have my job, and it is crucial to the great Hive, but I am not a Hive and I need not do the job of a hive. It is not my job to save anyone when it wasn't their time to be pulled from the water. Or in the metaphor of bees, it is not my job to make all the honey by myself. Only to provide the piece of the puzzle I am called to right now, and to sing my song of connection and creation.

We know our tasks by following the light, the nectar of life, and the hum of our Hive. That hum come from individual bees and from the whole collective. At this point I am called to be still, to listen, and to let my task be revealed.

May your place in the light be made clear, my friend. Blessed Bee!

Panic Attacks and Pear Trees

I'm going through some shit. Don't know if it's a Dark Night of the Soul, or what, but I'm coming apart at the seams. I also don't know what started it all, or how long it will last, or any useful information that would still my freaking-out head a little bit. But there are layers: something I'm trying to write, which is forcing me to deal with some old, shoved-under-the-rug emotions; a psychic reading my hubby received; general stress about doing everything right; cutting out sugar; and heightened food sensitivities. All of these layers have woven together into a tapestry called Panic Attacks. Racing heart, sweaty palms and feet, dizziness, fear, and jelly legs. Got tested for hypoglycemia, anemia, and thyroid problems. All fine. Trying to gently allow the stuffed anger, sadness, and fear to come up. Trying to not get completely overwhelmed. Putting my life on hold, which is hard when I'm a homeschooling mom to two smart and emotionally sensitive kids.

While I feel frightened and overwhelmed, I am also receiving little signs of support from the universe. All one can do in the middle of a panic attack is breathe, or try to, and pray. And today, in little nudges, I got some small assurance that everything happens within God's arms, and I will be okay. Like a song the kids haven't played in ages that they played on repeat, a song from my childhood that brings up layers of sadness and also a sense of being cared for. Like in the midst of my creating a rebirth/spring altar, my nursery plants arrived (pear, forsythia, and grape!), and I had just enough time to put them in the ground before it rained. Like the rain, which calms my selkie self and reminds me that it's okay to cry.

As I planted one of the dwarf pears, I shook apart the rock-hard clay soil that hadn't seen sunlight in possibly 60 years, and I let it represent the old stuck parts of me, the fear of being myself. Thunder rolled in the distance, and at first I felt afraid, for people do get struck by lightning here, but then I let it be the fire of transformation, the flash of anger I need to safely let out, and the passion I am trying to allow myself to own. Then I planted the little dormant tree and asked the devas to ground pear in my yard. I dedicated these pears to the sweetness of growth, and to crafting life where there was stuckness.

So mote it be.

Trusting in Divine Timing and Guidance

"Consider the lilies of the field, they toil not, neither do they spin." Matthew 6:28


This passage in the Bible is often taken to mean that we should not worry about where our meals will come from and how we will earn our money. The Creator will provide. Birds and flowers don't hoard, nor do they stress about clothing, for all unfolds in its own time.

As I contemplated what I was supposed to DO next in my life, in my career (something I obsess about and have done so ad nauseum for years), this passage came to me. I realized it was about more than just don't stress about money.

It is also about not focusing on our external structures, but instead bringing our attention to the connection with Spirit within us. Not getting wrapped up in our egos and it's rules, but bringing ourselves centered into our eye of the heart.

In doing so, we also stop stressing about what we are supposed to DO in the world, on what our "delivery system" is (to use Plotkin's language), and start trusting that our seasons will unfold as they are meant to, just as the lilies of the field do, blooming, seeding, sowing, and pulling energy back into their roots, all in the right time without stressing about whether it will happen or what it will look like.

Hope for the Healing of the Earth

Ecologists are discovering that when wetland areas are restored, having been used for nearly 100 years for agricultural purposes, that the land bounces back amazingly quickly. While some native species are reintroduced, many spring back to life on their own, having waited all this time in the soil seed banks.

This shows us the wisdom of the planet. She can bounce back - if (a big if) we can follow her ways and let a wetland be a wetland, she can gracefully and fairly quickly restore balance. The question, of course, is how to let a wetland be a wetland when we need to grow food, build houses, and pave streets. We - and she - have to share.

Providing habitat for native species in yards is key. Get rid of lawns, plant native plants, provide water features and shelter. Building paths for wildlife where there are freeways helps, too. Urban permaculture offers exciting opportunities for integrating food with everyday life and reducing our impact. Of course green building, habitat restoration, and simple things like riding bikes all helps.

Finally, for those of us who honor the earth as sacred and alive, prayer, ritual, and attunement with non-humans also helps heal our relationship with the planet. In conversation with the earth we can be given ideas and tools for sharing and balance. Right now, as you read this, look out the window. Rest your eyes on a tree or another natural being. Let your mind relax. Let your energy and attention reach out to the tree. Sit with that feeling for as long as you like. What happens in your body? What might happen in the world were we all to relate to non-humans this way?


For further reading:

The Magic of Fall

I made it to fall! I write to you now with a three-week-old baby boy sleeping on my lap. Big sister and Dad are running errands. Sun streams in through my office window, and I can see the just-yellowing leaves of our box elder outside. I love fall. I love that it rained last night and the yard is pasted with yellow leaves. I love that we've a few carrots and small bunches of chard, spinach, and broccoli greens in the garden. We started another compost bin, made a run extension for the chickens so they stop wrecking the rest of the yard, and drained the pond (we've a very small pond - more of a water feature). I have so many plans for spring (like a plum tree to plant over my son's placenta, now sleeping in the freezer), but I'm content to let them sit. I am thoroughly enjoying the cooler days and the promise of snow. Life is good.

I tend to be a busy-body, especially when it comes to the garden. I like projects. I like homesteading. I love my miniature farm (which frankly I don't want much larger). But this fall is about slowing down. About letting myself rest. I'm so not good at that - but the sweet little man sleeping in my lap is teaching me how much I must. As the Equinox came and passed I was learning to balance two children, a home, and a career. I will continue to strive for such a balance over the next many years, but right now, with the balance of autumn outside in the garden, the extreme need for balance and rest press me into place. Let go. Let be. Trust. All is well. That is the magic of this fall for me.

The Goddess of Always Enough

Bee Smith writes, "As I have grown older and my spiritual practices have matured it has been shown to me to have faith in the Goddess of Always Enough. She is always able to provide what one needs right on time. Generally, it seems wisest not to try and second-guess Her or try to tell her what she ought to be doing." (1) Reading this was timely for me. It's been a challenging year, with a lot of doubt about myself, our finances, our health, and whether or not we (as a family) are in the right place, doing the right thing. When I get scared about money, I tend to turn to attempted manifestation, and I tend to try to be very clear about what I feel I need. Then when my prayers are answered but not in the way I specified or envisioned, I get frustrated. When I read Bee's bit about the Goddess of Always Enough, something clicked for me. As always, we are okay. We have enough - even more than enough! All is well, even though by conventional terms I feel on a slippery slope of dept and doubt.

The image of the Goddess of Always Enough helped me to reflect on the challenges we've dealt with over the past few months, and see where She helped us, even though it was not what I thought She "ought" to be doing. A few days after we discovered our eroding plumbing needed to be replaced asap, we got low-interest-for-the-life-of-the-loan checks from a credit card. These were a lower rate than your standard equity loans - and since we haven't savings or equity, a bit of interesting timeing. Then we had to replace our only car. A few days before our old car got picked up by the insurance company's scrap yard, a friend got a new car and was able to loan us her soon-to-be-donated beater (but very functional) car. We found our replacement a week before the insurance was due to run out on our friend's loaner. We were able to get needed repairs done on our new used car just weeks before taking an eight hour road trip (sixteen round trip) that had been planned for months. I'm happy to announce that the car, and the plumbing, are doing great!

Then health concerns hit. I am a little scared and frustrated that we have spent our beefed up flex spending account half way through the year - and three months before our baby is due - but isn't it interesting that I had *just* enough in there to get the chiropractic work I desperately needed?

Speaking of new baby, today my husband and I sat down with the clothes, accessories, and toys friends have given us, and we were both totally overwhelmed. Such abundance! Such a community we have! I do not have to buy anything for this baby. Not even shelves if we can get around to using the last of the scrap wood we have (given to us by a friend) to put some shelves in the kids' closet.

And in case this weren't enough reminder that All is Well and She Watches Over Us, I flashed recently on a memory of about nine years ago. We had just moved to Colorado. I had just finished massage school and barely had a part time job, my then boyfriend had just started graduate school, and his father had just passed away. We drove to Wisconsin for the service, a sixteen hour drive with no air conditioning, paid for by credit card. We found out that my boyfriend had a disbursement coming to him from his father's IRA of about $23k. Recalling this time, I thought, "Things may seem scary and tenuous now, but compared to that time - whew! Life is settled, grounded, and all is well."

I can get so caught up in what I think things are supposed to look like, as in no debt, a fancy (if modest) house, and other wants, but really, if I step back and let my perspective shift, I am amazed at how blessed we are. There is always enough. Always.

Blessings, dear reader! May you too be blessed with the realization of always enough!







(1) Smith, Bee. "Seasons of Change: Gaian Rhythms for Positive Living." SageWoman No 76. 62.

Trusting the Inner Goddess

Whenever I teach a Reiki class (and when I received my own Reiki attunements) I always go through some sort of deep challenge or shift in energy before the attunement. Once I broke up with a boyfriend – an amicable breakup that just needed to happen; several times I got sick; another time, just before attuning a Reiki Master, I started a new and serious relationship (ended up marrying the guy).

I’m going through just such a shift now, I realized. Not because I’m going to teach a Reiki class but I because I am about to have my second child. Several mamas have told me that the transition to child number 2 was a biggie. I realized that must be a large part of the stressors and health challenges I’ve faced (and my husband has dealt with) since the beginning of the year.

If you’ve been following my blog at all you know we’ve had a few snafus regarding our house, health, and car lately. Last week I encountered another upset. I’d been struggling with moderate back pain, and then bam! My sacral/lumbar vertebrae went totally out of whack. I couldn’t drive, walk, sit, stand up… it sucked. Lots of metaphors here: paralyzed by life, feeling the total lack of support, sick and twisted (ha, ha). I found a fantastic chiropractor who also does acupuncture and kinesiology, who was able to straighten me out and helped me get at the emotional issues underlying what feels like the biggest health challenge of my life so far. The issue? Trust! You may know my other challenges of this year have dealt with Faith – well, this one went even deeper, to trusting those in my life and even my self. I saw how I have difficulty trusting people, and how this year with my graduating (pending, anyway) with my MFA and publishing a second book and writing my first novel I’ve been struggling with my deepest issues of self trust, like doubt, disgust, and lack of faith in my talent and abilities. Funny how success can make one feel both proud and simultaneously totally freaked out and inept.

The issue of trust goes so deep and can be so transformative. Trust versus mistrust is one of the basic foundations of the self according to Erikson. I don’t know if I didn’t develop a strong enough sense of trust in the world as a preverbal infant and toddler, and frankly I don’t care, but I could see in the present how hard it was for me to trust my chiropractor, my husband, my friends, and my work. And underneath all that, my self.

Something a friend said came to mind as I struggled with trusting myself and others. She said, “A goddess doesn’t look to others to give her love.” Something shifted as I inserted “trust” here: A goddess doesn’t look to others to prove their trustworthiness, to prove the trustworthiness of the world. She knows it, because her sense of trust and faith comes from an inner connection to the divine. I can’t go back and change what I might have felt as an infant (if that was even the problem), but I can cultivate a sense of trust in my inner divine nature, and go from there.

This realization paired with the EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) and kinesiology my chiropractor used helped me clear a whole lot of old crap standing in my way.

And then guess what happened? We had a clog in our main sewer drain and had a guy come and rooter it! Talk about crap (and, yup, roots) being in my way. All cleared out.

So: I’m clearing energy to move to the next big phase of my life as an author and as a mama and as a person. I wish you, too, dear reader, clarity and insight and health on your own path. I hope my journey helps to illuminate some of your own.