Your Inner Strength

A few months ago, I entered the darkest time of my life. This was before the pandemic, and had been building for a while but I hadn't realized it was coming. I don't want or need to go into details, for while the finer points are unique to me, the overall situation is universal: we enter the Darkness and face our deepest self. We face our mortality, what we care most about, and who we truly are in the network of our community. 

In the midst of this I encountered a defining moment. I felt and connected to a glowing energy deep in my core that said, "No matter what, this is your Strength. This is part of your True Self, deep, directly connected to God/Spirit. Center in this space and all is well."

Imagine you have a cave system, like a cenote that goes deep into the earth. Now imagine it is seen as the ancestors no doubt regarded these seemingly endless cave systems - a cenote that ties into the Spirit realms. That is how this space feels. Deeper than Spacetime. Accessible through my core. Strong, warm, whole. Unconditional.

I go here to meditate, to sit in the space that says: Be Still, and Know that I am Here. It's a space to inhabit when I'm feeling afraid, or getting triggered. For part of this phase of life is that I am being shown the trauma of my past and helped to release it. I need that deep, unconditional Presence to help me through. It does help, for it shows me the bigger energy of unfolding and lets me know I will be okay, although I don't know really what "okay" means anymore.

Have you found this space in you? If you get quiet, deeply still, and open to your core, what do you find? It is Joy, Light, Strength, Solid Authenticity, Your Soul.  Can you inhabit it? It will get you through anything. What if we were all able to center in this True Self and relate to others through this lens? Can you imagine a world like that? I believe miracles come from there, for it is our conscious connection with Creation, Christ, the Creator, Spirit, the Goddess. It's also how we relate to others' true selves, which many people are unable to do. We're all so wrapped up in our fears, projections, and avoiding vulnerability at all costs.

I invite you to enter the cenote with me.

I hold a vision of a world where we See each other's Strength and Truth in all we do.

So mote it be.

Fear of the Darkness

Some seeds need light to germinate; others require darkness. At different points of our lives we have our own different needs. Usually we don't ask for or want the times of darkness, for we are afraid to falter. Afraid of getting lost. Afraid of what we cannot see.

When I taught outdoor education, we took the kids on a Night Hike. At one point we turned off the flashlights, stepped off the trail (we were all holding a rope), and sat in the dark forest. At first I felt discomfort. A sense of being unsure, wary. But then a sensation came over me: I felt cradled, held. I felt, in this utter darkness, seen. The forest saw me. The darkness saw me. In the darkness, I had nothing to prove and no one to be. It was just me and the velvety soft Love of Being.

In this time of germination, as our whole world asks who we are called to become, I wonder how the darkness can guide us. I do not relate to darkness as evil, but as a space for transmutation. Are we seeds that need the dark rich soil to transform? Can we trust the rope that keeps us connected to each other?

We sit in the Wisdom of where Christ guides us, not knowing where we are going. Not knowing who we will become. When he transitioned into a Being of Light destined to guide us, did He know? He knows now, but in this time of crucifixion and Easter, I have no sense at all. But then it isn't about me. It is about knowing that we are seen and held in the Darkness and the Light, and opening my heart to what He calls me to, even though I do not know what that is. Am I germinating or entering the cave of closing doors? I will not know until this time of life passes. 

Much love to you.

Study on Creation Spirituality at The Land: Part Two

I've recently found a faith community called The Land,  a Methodist-based outdoor church dedicated to social justice and the Earth.

I have been leading the morning study using Matthew Fox's book Creation Spirituality: Liberating Gifts for the Peoples of the Earth. I am sharing the class curriculum plus a few notes here. Read class one here.

Here is class two.

Creation Spirituality at The Land, Class Two

In the beginning was the gift.

…All shall be called children of the gift,

Sons and daughters of grace,

For all generations. (from pages 1, 4 of Creation Spirituality by Matthew Fox)

The heavens are telling the glory of God; and the firmament proclaims his handiwork. Day to day pours forth speech, and night to night declares knowledge. There is no speech, nor are there words; their voice is not heard; yet their voice goes out through all the earth, and their words to the end of the world. (Psalm 19:1-4)

Essential question: How would we behave differently if we regarded life and the Earth as a gift? Why don’t we?

Definitions:

Mystic: One who responds with joy and awe to the Universe, who finds God through and in all things – not pantheistic but panentheistic. One who sees the Christ in all and seeks to awaken the Christ in themselves. 

Part of the reason mysticism is seen as "crazy" in Western mainstream society is that we have what is known in psychology as an intensity tolerance. Our culture often scorns a sense of wonder. It's just "too much."

Panentheism: We are in God, and God is in us.

Theologically, God is understood to be both “transcendent” and “immanent”—transcendent, meaning above and beyond all that is, but also immanent, meaning “indwelling” or abiding within and pervading all of creation. Some people may feel uneasy about thinking of God as being present in all creation. However, such an awareness of God’s presence is not to be confused with “pantheism”—the worship of natural items or entities as God, or gods. Another term that some have used in recent years to help make that distinction, is “pan-en-theism,” an understanding that God is in (“en”) all that is, as well as above and beyond all that is. God’s indwelling love and grace inspires and calls forth what we might think of as the “hymn of all creation.” (from “Awakening to God’s Call to Earthkeeping,” session 2)

Cosmic Christ: The archetype of Christ – God’s love, the Christ in all – found in all of Creation. The sense that the Universe is an expression of the Christ. The Christ was present in the Universe before the Big Bang, and was expressed through Jesus.

We are God’s work of art, created in Christ Jesus to live the good life as from the beginning God had meant us to live it.”–Ephesians 2:10 (92 of CC) (for other translations, see https://www.biblegateway.com/verse/en/Ephesians%202:10)

He is the image of the unseen God, and the firstborn of all Creation. In Christ were created all things in heaven and on earth: everything visible and invisible… before anything was created, Christ existed, and Christ holds all things in unity. – Col. 1:15-17   

“a pattern that connects.” – subatomic particles…..

Prophet: the prophet is the mystic in action – they struggle with inertia and injustice. They act, teach, bring their compassion into the world.

The Four Paths (to God, to awakening)

Via Positiva – awe, falling in love

Via Negativa – darkness, suffering, letting go – Dark Night of the Soul

Via Creativa – joyful co-creation with God

Via Tranformativa – justice and action as praise, compassion

“An impoverishment of the soul exists within ‘First World’ countries: the means for a just existence are within our grasp, but our wills, our social structures, and our imagination have yet proven adequate for that struggle.” – xiii

What does a just existence look like? Why do we struggle to create that for all? What can we do individually or as a community to promote that?

“We cannot have authentic human justice without engaging equally in the struggle for justice toward our home, the planet earth. There is no need to choose… we are too interdependent for that.” (35)

“Compassion is the working out of our interconnectedness; it is the [action taking, practice of] our interconnectedness.” (36)

-         What about when the wolf eats the deer? Is that compassionate? What about when we extend that argument to humans? (timescale – the deer is the mountain)

People will not say, ‘Look, God’s kingdom is here!’ or, ‘There it is!’ No, God’s kingdom is within you.” – Luke 17:21

If the kingdom of God, or the Cosmic Christ, is within us, and we are within it, and all things are held in unity through Christ – not because we believe or “accept” anything but because it is just SO – and all things are interdependent, then God’s Kingdom is all of Creation, including us, the land, the geese, the beetles, the snakes, etc. How does or could this inspire our choices, our actions?

Closing scripture:

For what can be known about God is plain to [humanity], because God has shown it to them. Ever since the creation of the world his invisible nature, namely, his eternal power and deity, has been clearly perceived in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse. --Romans 1:19-20

Epidemic Adrenal Fatigue is Tied to Core Life Issues

I'm noticing a trend. So many women I know are struggling with adrenal fatigue, I think it's safe to call it an epidemic. The problem is, many people don't realize what they are dealing with is adrenals, and doctors often don't treat adrenal fatigue until it gets really bad. The symptoms of adrenal fatigue include:

• severe fatigue - that feeling-tired-all-the-time feeling  
• blood sugar issues like hypoglycemic episodes after eating (feeling like you're going to pass out, dizzy, heart racing)
• severe reactions to dairy and gluten (without having identified allergies to these foods) 
• dizzy episodes and light headedness 
• gaining weight for no good reason
• feeling really fatigued after exercise
• panic attacks or frequent, exaggerated anxiety
• heart palpitations
• thyroid issues, either hyper or hypo.

Now, these symptoms can be caused by other conditions, and may be treated individually by a doctor. But taken all together, or not responding to medical care (or getting better and then coming back after "treatment"), these symptoms indicate an underlying adrenal issue.

For treatment, you need a naturopath, chiropractor, and/or acupuncturist to address your specific patterns. Simple supplements can help, like vitamin C and progesterone, as can eliminating caffeine and alcohol, but the adrenals, though tiny, are complex organs that need care from a skilled healer. Support as you overhaul your life is truly fundamental to the process.

If you're dealing with adrenal issues, you need to know two important things: 1) it's going to take a long time to heal, though you can get better and you will gradually get better, and 2) you are going to need to do a lot of spiritual and personal work to get there.

The adrenals are our batteries. In Chinese Medicine, they are a part of the kidneys, which are the source of your chi, or life force energy. So when they are deficient, it is because underlying etheric and astral energies are depleted and unbalanced. Deep core issues like childhood issues and even past life issues have to be dealt with to heal completely. You will need to heal basic issues around self love, personal power, and faith.

And that, I think, is the real reason for this epidemic. Yes, toxins in our food, water, and air are taxing our adrenals, but on a collective level we are needing to address these core issues so that we can all evolve to the next level of human development.

So how to deal with these issues? Again, I think professional help can be key. A good transpersonal therapist, an acupuncturist, enlightened priest or pastor, or a shamanic healer can really help. Even talking to others dealing with these issues can help you feel less alone. Reading Putting on the Mind of Christ by Jim Marion, Carolyn Myss' Defy Gravity, and Soul Retrieval by Sandra Ingerman can also help provide context and guidance. Journal or blog. You are undergoing a spiritual awakening and a Dark Night of the Soul. You are being held by God/dess. And you are not alone.

Panic Attacks and Pear Trees

I'm going through some shit. Don't know if it's a Dark Night of the Soul, or what, but I'm coming apart at the seams. I also don't know what started it all, or how long it will last, or any useful information that would still my freaking-out head a little bit. But there are layers: something I'm trying to write, which is forcing me to deal with some old, shoved-under-the-rug emotions; a psychic reading my hubby received; general stress about doing everything right; cutting out sugar; and heightened food sensitivities. All of these layers have woven together into a tapestry called Panic Attacks. Racing heart, sweaty palms and feet, dizziness, fear, and jelly legs. Got tested for hypoglycemia, anemia, and thyroid problems. All fine. Trying to gently allow the stuffed anger, sadness, and fear to come up. Trying to not get completely overwhelmed. Putting my life on hold, which is hard when I'm a homeschooling mom to two smart and emotionally sensitive kids.

While I feel frightened and overwhelmed, I am also receiving little signs of support from the universe. All one can do in the middle of a panic attack is breathe, or try to, and pray. And today, in little nudges, I got some small assurance that everything happens within God's arms, and I will be okay. Like a song the kids haven't played in ages that they played on repeat, a song from my childhood that brings up layers of sadness and also a sense of being cared for. Like in the midst of my creating a rebirth/spring altar, my nursery plants arrived (pear, forsythia, and grape!), and I had just enough time to put them in the ground before it rained. Like the rain, which calms my selkie self and reminds me that it's okay to cry.

As I planted one of the dwarf pears, I shook apart the rock-hard clay soil that hadn't seen sunlight in possibly 60 years, and I let it represent the old stuck parts of me, the fear of being myself. Thunder rolled in the distance, and at first I felt afraid, for people do get struck by lightning here, but then I let it be the fire of transformation, the flash of anger I need to safely let out, and the passion I am trying to allow myself to own. Then I planted the little dormant tree and asked the devas to ground pear in my yard. I dedicated these pears to the sweetness of growth, and to crafting life where there was stuckness.

So mote it be.

Trusting the Inner Goddess

Whenever I teach a Reiki class (and when I received my own Reiki attunements) I always go through some sort of deep challenge or shift in energy before the attunement. Once I broke up with a boyfriend – an amicable breakup that just needed to happen; several times I got sick; another time, just before attuning a Reiki Master, I started a new and serious relationship (ended up marrying the guy).

I’m going through just such a shift now, I realized. Not because I’m going to teach a Reiki class but I because I am about to have my second child. Several mamas have told me that the transition to child number 2 was a biggie. I realized that must be a large part of the stressors and health challenges I’ve faced (and my husband has dealt with) since the beginning of the year.

If you’ve been following my blog at all you know we’ve had a few snafus regarding our house, health, and car lately. Last week I encountered another upset. I’d been struggling with moderate back pain, and then bam! My sacral/lumbar vertebrae went totally out of whack. I couldn’t drive, walk, sit, stand up… it sucked. Lots of metaphors here: paralyzed by life, feeling the total lack of support, sick and twisted (ha, ha). I found a fantastic chiropractor who also does acupuncture and kinesiology, who was able to straighten me out and helped me get at the emotional issues underlying what feels like the biggest health challenge of my life so far. The issue? Trust! You may know my other challenges of this year have dealt with Faith – well, this one went even deeper, to trusting those in my life and even my self. I saw how I have difficulty trusting people, and how this year with my graduating (pending, anyway) with my MFA and publishing a second book and writing my first novel I’ve been struggling with my deepest issues of self trust, like doubt, disgust, and lack of faith in my talent and abilities. Funny how success can make one feel both proud and simultaneously totally freaked out and inept.

The issue of trust goes so deep and can be so transformative. Trust versus mistrust is one of the basic foundations of the self according to Erikson. I don’t know if I didn’t develop a strong enough sense of trust in the world as a preverbal infant and toddler, and frankly I don’t care, but I could see in the present how hard it was for me to trust my chiropractor, my husband, my friends, and my work. And underneath all that, my self.

Something a friend said came to mind as I struggled with trusting myself and others. She said, “A goddess doesn’t look to others to give her love.” Something shifted as I inserted “trust” here: A goddess doesn’t look to others to prove their trustworthiness, to prove the trustworthiness of the world. She knows it, because her sense of trust and faith comes from an inner connection to the divine. I can’t go back and change what I might have felt as an infant (if that was even the problem), but I can cultivate a sense of trust in my inner divine nature, and go from there.

This realization paired with the EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) and kinesiology my chiropractor used helped me clear a whole lot of old crap standing in my way.

And then guess what happened? We had a clog in our main sewer drain and had a guy come and rooter it! Talk about crap (and, yup, roots) being in my way. All cleared out.

So: I’m clearing energy to move to the next big phase of my life as an author and as a mama and as a person. I wish you, too, dear reader, clarity and insight and health on your own path. I hope my journey helps to illuminate some of your own.

Dark Night of the Senses

It's been a challenging year. My father passed away in May, I'm squeezing in grad school around my writing and my seventy-hour-a-week job as mother and house manager, and money is forever tight. Then about a month ago everything started breaking down: the car experienced a mystery problem, our cable connection pooped out for two days (and they couldn't figure out what that was either), expected funds arrived late, I was told erroneously that my financial aid had been canceled, the dryer broke, my hair dryer even died, and various other little things just went kaput. All the while I am trying to deal with these issues my beloved and bright three-year-old is chattering away, telling me stories about her stuffed animals and asking the ceaseless Why. Then I discovered a black widow in the garage while cleaning out an old fish tank to house inherited gold fish.

I've been learning a lot about my warrior spirit.

And I've realized most helpfully that I am in a particularly cleansing phase of the Dark Night of the Senses. This phase of spiritual evolution is marked by the bumps and bruises that occur when one transitions from psychic to subtle levels of development. It is about burning up negative energy and attachments and releasing our attachment to and identification with certain states. For instance, when my father died I faced my identity as Daughter and what that meant for me. Dealing with the screwed up car brings me right into my fear of the unknown, my driving anxieties (and all the lovely metaphors thereof), and my fear of asking for help.

The amazing blessing is (besides that I realize I am going through a powerful spiritual shift) that my husband seems to be going through his Dark Night of the Senses at the same time. We face it differently of course: he gets withdrawn and lugubrious and I fry things and get all anxious. But having someone to talk to, to realize our paths with, is deeply crucial to my sanity. I'm a lucky woman.

I've been reading Jim Marion, Trungpa Rinpoche, and Ken Wilbur to help me through (see links below). Marion is a Christian, Trungpa a Buddhist, and Wilbur an integral guy. I need the blend as my path is not really any one religion, but a blend of Pagan, Christian, and Buddhist. Here is what is helping me right now. Marion says we need to send compassion to our "demons" and to trust God. Trungpa teaches witnessing our anxious behaviors and settling into the sadness that lies underneath. Marion talks about the sadness as a cleansing as the old negativities burn up. Again he says to turn to God and live in faith allowing His grace to soothe and guide us. Trungpa talks about acceptance of what is, the natural unfolding of life all around. I see these as different ways of saying the same thing. Trust. Breath. Feel. Offer compassion and softness to myself and the world.

Does anyone know if there are Pagan stories and guidance through the Dark Night? I'd be very curious to read them.

Blessings to all, wherever you are on your path.




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Here are the books that are helping me right now: