"I can't do it."
"Writing is hard for me."
"I didn't have a vacation after grad school and I'm just so tired."
The first was spoken by my daughter, in reference to a gymnastics skill. The coach got mad at her, which bummed her out, and she didn't understand why the coach was so dismissive.
The second, also spoken by my daughter, to explain why she was in a pool of tears in response to having to write something about dolphins.
The third by an adult who shall remain nameless, but the important piece to know here is that the missed vacation referenced was eleven years ago.
What do all these phrases have in common? They are uttered to explain why someone has shut down or given up. They are also phrases that are impossible to work with. They are explanations for why a person is mired in a hole of pity party.
To my daughter, in regards to the first, I acknowledged that it was too bad that the coach was rude to her, but I got why the coach said what she did. And I pointed out: "I think what you really mean here is, 'I still need spotting on that skill.'" She nodded.
In regards to the second, after about an hour of struggling and whining and crying and my own feeling like screaming and giving up myself, we determined that what she really meant was "I'm feeling overwhelmed by all the information and I don't know how to break it down or where to start."
And in regards to the third, well, that person needs to pull himself out of that particular pity party and identify what he wants now: "I really need a break, and what would give me a break is...."
Can you feel the difference? In the first example, there is nothing to work with. It's just hard, stupid, sad, whatever. When you figure out what you are really trying to say here, then you have something to work with. Break down the information. Get spotted. Take a vacation. What do you need? What is overwhelming? What is standing in your way?
The problem with this is that we are used to complaining. It feels so good to feel so bad. And it requires energy and intention to identify what needs to change, and then guess what? You have to take steps to change it. That is what it means to live an engaged life - you have to put your life in gear and move forward. It's so much safer to just say, "I'm stuck in neutral, poor me."
Where are you short changing yourself by sitting in neutral in a hole of pity? Notice ways in which you put on the breaks and get stuck, and ask yourself what you really mean. Then you will know how to move forward.
It is overwhelming, scary, and sometimes lonely. But you can do it. So much energy is freed up when you stop stalling and take that first tentative step, which is simply to identify what the problem is in the present moment. Only then can you move forward.
Blessings on your path! You can do it.
Showing posts with label healing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label healing. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
The Fear of Passion: Exploring Familiar Patterns
So here I am awakening to my own passion, my own Goddessness, and I am
struggling with this ancient teaching tied to every assumption about
everything my family has ever made. What is this fear of passion? My family has carried it for years, a cultural dictum stating that passion is sinful. Is it that being a vibrant, passionate, visible person is tantamount to putting oneself on the same level as God? Many are discovering, and Jesus actually taught, that we are Divine. We are on a journey of the Divine getting to know Itself better. God/dess is both transcendent (outside of us, not us), and imminent (within us, unfolding in each moment as us). For many generations this has not been accepted or taught, except in mystical sects often branded as sinful. That may be the root of this generational fear of passion and selfhood.
Or perhaps it's a sensory thing. Passionate people are too loud, too annoying, too everything. My parents, grandparents, and myself all have a very low intensity tolerance. This trait can be tied to introversion, giftedness, and even the autism spectrum. While we don't have any family members that are on the spectrum, we are certainly gifted introverts. Passionate people are overwhelming and scary. Feeling passion can also be overwhelming.
There is some layer here, too, about how people in my family (and we're not alone in this) gain a sense of self through their enmeshment with others. Passion in another person on whom you stake your identity is a fire that cannot be controlled. So we try to control it, dampen it, so that we can feel safe in our own selves. A person who is independent, self assured, and passionate doesn't feed that narcissistic neediness for control and containment.
I've grown up feeding that need for control in others. My dad, bless his soul, was a narcissist, as was his dad. He was also a very loving man, but it was like his bright and beautiful soul was controlled by this egoic familiar pattern of (not clinical) narcissism and shame. So I grew up learning to give energy to this pattern, and it's so second nature to me that I don't even notice it. I think it's this ability to attune to a shame-filled and frightened other that formed the foundation for my psychic ability. But now, at age 37, I am no longer able to maintain this pattern. I don't want to. I am having to monitor my body's energy and how it reaches out to others, dampening and leaking my own fire. Oh, it's insidious! But I'm working on it. Acupuncture is helping, too.Perhaps one reason I studied healing, psychology, and energy work was to gain the tools to notice, name, and heal these patterns, maybe healing the seven generations before me in doing so.
So - I ramble on partly to organize my own thoughts, and partly because perhaps you, too, dear reader, struggle with similar generational patterns. There is no blame, just light. I send God's grace to my ancestors and to my children and to my own path as I grow and heal and uncover. And, also, to you. What passion are you discovering in yourself? What speed bumps are you encountering?
Or perhaps it's a sensory thing. Passionate people are too loud, too annoying, too everything. My parents, grandparents, and myself all have a very low intensity tolerance. This trait can be tied to introversion, giftedness, and even the autism spectrum. While we don't have any family members that are on the spectrum, we are certainly gifted introverts. Passionate people are overwhelming and scary. Feeling passion can also be overwhelming.
There is some layer here, too, about how people in my family (and we're not alone in this) gain a sense of self through their enmeshment with others. Passion in another person on whom you stake your identity is a fire that cannot be controlled. So we try to control it, dampen it, so that we can feel safe in our own selves. A person who is independent, self assured, and passionate doesn't feed that narcissistic neediness for control and containment.
I've grown up feeding that need for control in others. My dad, bless his soul, was a narcissist, as was his dad. He was also a very loving man, but it was like his bright and beautiful soul was controlled by this egoic familiar pattern of (not clinical) narcissism and shame. So I grew up learning to give energy to this pattern, and it's so second nature to me that I don't even notice it. I think it's this ability to attune to a shame-filled and frightened other that formed the foundation for my psychic ability. But now, at age 37, I am no longer able to maintain this pattern. I don't want to. I am having to monitor my body's energy and how it reaches out to others, dampening and leaking my own fire. Oh, it's insidious! But I'm working on it. Acupuncture is helping, too.Perhaps one reason I studied healing, psychology, and energy work was to gain the tools to notice, name, and heal these patterns, maybe healing the seven generations before me in doing so.
So - I ramble on partly to organize my own thoughts, and partly because perhaps you, too, dear reader, struggle with similar generational patterns. There is no blame, just light. I send God's grace to my ancestors and to my children and to my own path as I grow and heal and uncover. And, also, to you. What passion are you discovering in yourself? What speed bumps are you encountering?
Sunday, October 20, 2013
A Gift from my Father: Connecting Beyond the Veil
By Clea Danaan
Just before my dad died, I attended a metaphysical fair to promote my first book, Sacred Land. The two cases of books the event planner had ordered didn't arrive on time, even though other cases of books from the same publisher had arrived with no delay. I had about three copies to sign and promote.
At the fair I met a psychic healer who really knew her stuff. She really liked my book, and I wondered out loud why my cases of books hadn't arrived. She squinted her eyes in that inner seeing kind of way, and said, "Who stands behind you on the earth plane?" I didn't know what she meant. She said, "Your dad." In the middle of five hundred people milling about, I started crying. I didn't even know why. She told me that my dad was jealous of my publishing a book, and that he had held up the delivery. Obviously this wasn't conscious or literal, but that his energy - and I assume my own unconscious and energetic reaction to it - delayed the book delivery. She did some distance healing work on me and my dad. She said, "Now things will be different with Dad."
A few days later, I spoke with him on the phone (he and I lived in different cities), and we had the most amazing conversation. He asked me about my book, which he had never done before. He was interested and excited. Before, it was like he didn't know it existed. He hadn't known I was in grad school, even though I told him, and he hadn't asked anything about the book. It made sense to me that he was envious. He had never finished his master's degree in ministerial studies, and he had attempted many times to write a book. Also in this phone conversation, he asked for my help with his health. In the past, he had shrugged off any suggestions I offered (I was a massage therapist at the time, with backgrounds in expressive arts therapies and acupuncture) about health, mostly due to his shame about his weight and smoking. I did some online research, and we set up an appointment for him to see a naturopath. His doctor had been no help, telling him he just needed to lose weight. I knew more was going on, but not what it was, and that he needed someone to help him.
My dad and I have always been two peas in a pod. We are deeply into nature, and dedicated to our spirituality. We are writers. He liked to tell stories, like the time we went to look for concretions, rock-like formations of clay found in certain rivers and creeks. He used to go hunt them with his dad, and as we hunted he shared with me stories of concretion hunting and fishing with his own departed father. We found several concretions that day, and kept them in the windowsill at home. I would pick them up and inspect them, thinking of his father and our time at the creek.
The morning of his appointment with the naturopath, he passed away. I had felt it coming, and was stunned but not surprised. The coroner said congestive heart failure.
A few days later I talked with the psychic from the metaphysical fair and told her that Dad had died. She said he would now sleep for a year, as his soul felt defeated and he needed time to just float. That made sense to me.
A year later, I received in the mail a package from my brother-in-law. It was heavy. This brother-in-law and I are not close, though friendly at family get togethers. He's never mailed me anything. We don't exchange emails. I opened the package with great curiosity. Inside was a note that he had read Sacred Land and really enjoyed it. He said he thought I'd appreciate these concretions he'd gathered, which could only be found in certain creeks and rivers. He'd been collecting them for years, and something told him I'd appreciate them.
They were, I knew, a gift not just from my brother-in-law, but also from my dad. It was his way of letting me know he was awake again, and that he supports and is proud of my book and my work. He was letting me know we are connected always, through all sorts of ways, past, present, and future.
Just before my dad died, I attended a metaphysical fair to promote my first book, Sacred Land. The two cases of books the event planner had ordered didn't arrive on time, even though other cases of books from the same publisher had arrived with no delay. I had about three copies to sign and promote.
At the fair I met a psychic healer who really knew her stuff. She really liked my book, and I wondered out loud why my cases of books hadn't arrived. She squinted her eyes in that inner seeing kind of way, and said, "Who stands behind you on the earth plane?" I didn't know what she meant. She said, "Your dad." In the middle of five hundred people milling about, I started crying. I didn't even know why. She told me that my dad was jealous of my publishing a book, and that he had held up the delivery. Obviously this wasn't conscious or literal, but that his energy - and I assume my own unconscious and energetic reaction to it - delayed the book delivery. She did some distance healing work on me and my dad. She said, "Now things will be different with Dad."
A few days later, I spoke with him on the phone (he and I lived in different cities), and we had the most amazing conversation. He asked me about my book, which he had never done before. He was interested and excited. Before, it was like he didn't know it existed. He hadn't known I was in grad school, even though I told him, and he hadn't asked anything about the book. It made sense to me that he was envious. He had never finished his master's degree in ministerial studies, and he had attempted many times to write a book. Also in this phone conversation, he asked for my help with his health. In the past, he had shrugged off any suggestions I offered (I was a massage therapist at the time, with backgrounds in expressive arts therapies and acupuncture) about health, mostly due to his shame about his weight and smoking. I did some online research, and we set up an appointment for him to see a naturopath. His doctor had been no help, telling him he just needed to lose weight. I knew more was going on, but not what it was, and that he needed someone to help him.
My dad and I have always been two peas in a pod. We are deeply into nature, and dedicated to our spirituality. We are writers. He liked to tell stories, like the time we went to look for concretions, rock-like formations of clay found in certain rivers and creeks. He used to go hunt them with his dad, and as we hunted he shared with me stories of concretion hunting and fishing with his own departed father. We found several concretions that day, and kept them in the windowsill at home. I would pick them up and inspect them, thinking of his father and our time at the creek.
The morning of his appointment with the naturopath, he passed away. I had felt it coming, and was stunned but not surprised. The coroner said congestive heart failure.
A few days later I talked with the psychic from the metaphysical fair and told her that Dad had died. She said he would now sleep for a year, as his soul felt defeated and he needed time to just float. That made sense to me.
A year later, I received in the mail a package from my brother-in-law. It was heavy. This brother-in-law and I are not close, though friendly at family get togethers. He's never mailed me anything. We don't exchange emails. I opened the package with great curiosity. Inside was a note that he had read Sacred Land and really enjoyed it. He said he thought I'd appreciate these concretions he'd gathered, which could only be found in certain creeks and rivers. He'd been collecting them for years, and something told him I'd appreciate them.
They were, I knew, a gift not just from my brother-in-law, but also from my dad. It was his way of letting me know he was awake again, and that he supports and is proud of my book and my work. He was letting me know we are connected always, through all sorts of ways, past, present, and future.
 |
| Concretions in a basket of crab apple suckers and flicker feathers |
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Epidemic Adrenal Fatigue is Tied to Core Life Issues
I'm noticing a trend. So many women I know are struggling with adrenal fatigue, I think it's safe to call it an epidemic. The problem is, many people don't realize what they are dealing with is adrenals, and doctors often don't treat adrenal fatigue until it gets really bad. The symptoms of adrenal fatigue include:
For treatment, you need a naturopath, chiropractor, and/or acupuncturist to address your specific patterns. Simple supplements can help, like vitamin C and progesterone, as can eliminating caffeine and alcohol, but the adrenals, though tiny, are complex organs that need care from a skilled healer. Support as you overhaul your life is truly fundamental to the process.
If you're dealing with adrenal issues, you need to know two important things: 1) it's going to take a long time to heal, though you can get better and you will gradually get better, and 2) you are going to need to do a lot of spiritual and personal work to get there.
The adrenals are our batteries. In Chinese Medicine, they are a part of the kidneys, which are the source of your chi, or life force energy. So when they are deficient, it is because underlying etheric and astral energies are depleted and unbalanced. Deep core issues like childhood issues and even past life issues have to be dealt with to heal completely. You will need to heal basic issues around self love, personal power, and faith.
And that, I think, is the real reason for this epidemic. Yes, toxins in our food, water, and air are taxing our adrenals, but on a collective level we are needing to address these core issues so that we can all evolve to the next level of human development.
So how to deal with these issues? Again, I think professional help can be key. A good transpersonal therapist, an acupuncturist, enlightened priest or pastor, or a shamanic healer can really help. Even talking to others dealing with these issues can help you feel less alone. Reading Putting on the Mind of Christ by Jim Marion, Carolyn Myss' Defy Gravity, and Soul Retrieval by Sandra Ingerman can also help provide context and guidance. Journal or blog. You are undergoing a spiritual awakening and a Dark Night of the Soul. You are being held by God/dess. And you are not alone.
- severe fatigue - that feeling-tired-all-the-time feeling
- blood sugar issues like hypoglycemic episodes after eating (feeling like you're going to pass out, dizzy, heart racing)
- severe reactions to dairy and gluten (without having identified allergies to these foods)
- dizzy episodes and light headedness
- gaining weight for no good reason
- feeling really fatigued after exercise
- panic attacks or frequent, exaggerated anxiety
- heart palpitations
- thyroid issues, either hyper or hypo.
For treatment, you need a naturopath, chiropractor, and/or acupuncturist to address your specific patterns. Simple supplements can help, like vitamin C and progesterone, as can eliminating caffeine and alcohol, but the adrenals, though tiny, are complex organs that need care from a skilled healer. Support as you overhaul your life is truly fundamental to the process.
If you're dealing with adrenal issues, you need to know two important things: 1) it's going to take a long time to heal, though you can get better and you will gradually get better, and 2) you are going to need to do a lot of spiritual and personal work to get there.
The adrenals are our batteries. In Chinese Medicine, they are a part of the kidneys, which are the source of your chi, or life force energy. So when they are deficient, it is because underlying etheric and astral energies are depleted and unbalanced. Deep core issues like childhood issues and even past life issues have to be dealt with to heal completely. You will need to heal basic issues around self love, personal power, and faith.
And that, I think, is the real reason for this epidemic. Yes, toxins in our food, water, and air are taxing our adrenals, but on a collective level we are needing to address these core issues so that we can all evolve to the next level of human development.
So how to deal with these issues? Again, I think professional help can be key. A good transpersonal therapist, an acupuncturist, enlightened priest or pastor, or a shamanic healer can really help. Even talking to others dealing with these issues can help you feel less alone. Reading Putting on the Mind of Christ by Jim Marion, Carolyn Myss' Defy Gravity, and Soul Retrieval by Sandra Ingerman can also help provide context and guidance. Journal or blog. You are undergoing a spiritual awakening and a Dark Night of the Soul. You are being held by God/dess. And you are not alone.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Discussion Questions for Clea Danaan's Voices of the Earth
To study Clea Danaan's Voices of the Earth: The Path of Green Spirituality with a group, or to explore further journaling and personal growth ideas, here are some discussion questions to get you started. Each chapter also ends with project ideas and journal questions.
- What I call a "nature intuitive" just means someone who listens to the land and gains connection and wisdom there. In what ways have you heard trees, stones, rivers, and animals? In what ways do you doubt this channel? What helps you trust it?
- Opening to the rhythms of you body and the land can open the door to a lot of pain and discomfort. Sometimes you can ameliorate this discomfort: drink a glass of water, do yoga, water a tree, even organize an effort to clean up a polluted river. Sometimes the pain is overwhelming. How can you draw on community to seek healing for yourself and the land?
- Walking the path of an awakening human requires compassion and non-judgmental vision. In what ways can you be more compassionate towards yourself? Towards others? In what ways do you find yourself being judgmental towards others - me (the author), New Agers, Pagans, Republicans, big oil executives? Meditate on your judgment to see what lessons it offers you.
- Pages 51-52 list questions about Home. These would be an interesting discussion for a group. "What does it mean that you are in this spot on the global web?" (p 56)
- What gets in the way of your clearing clutter? What does this tell you about yourself?
- What plants are you drawn to? Herbs? Entheogens?
- How about animals?
- What is your quest as an earth ally? This can mean many things - we don't all have to go sit in a redwood tree for two years or start an organic farm. For more on your quest, see Bill Plotkin's Nature and the Human Soul.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Urban Chickens Make Healthy Kids and Strong Communities
Helping the Hungry
One in eight people struggle with hunger, including many children. One way municipalities can help their hungry citizens for very little cost is to promote backyard gardens, including keeping small flocks of chickens. Eggs from hens allowed to forage and move freely (even within appropriately sized enclosed areas) are much higher in nutrients than those available at grocery stores. From Mother Earth News:"In 1988, Artemis Simopoulos, co-author of The Omega Diet, found that eggs from pastured hens in Greece contained 13 times more omega-3s than eggs from U.S. supermarkets. In 1974, a British study found that eggs from pastured hens had 50 percent more folic acid and 70 percent more vitamin B12 than eggs from factory-farmed hens. In 1997, a study in Animal Feed Science and Technology found eggs from free-range chickens had higher levels of both omega-3s and vitamin E than those from hens maintained in cages and fed commercial diets. Most recently, in 2003, Pennsylvania State University researchers reported that birds kept on pasture produced three times more omega-3s in their eggs than birds raised in cages on a commercial diet. They also found twice as much vitamin E and 40 percent more vitamin A in the yolks of the pastured birds."
Backyard hens' eggs cost about $2 a dozen (for feed and wood shavings; less if they are given more kitchen scraps, weeds and grass), which cost more than $4 a dozen for (almost) comparably nutritious eggs at the grocery store. They are a great source of affordable protein.
Food Security
If someone wanted to cripple a whole lot of people, that someone could attack large sources of food, such as the drought has attacked the nation's corn crop this year. Or when 228 million eggs were recalled in August 2010 because of a huge salmonella outbreak. When you grow corn in your backyard and raise a small flock of hens for eggs, you are at a much smaller risk of food losses. Taxpayers and insurance companies and families save money on health care costs from such outbreaks.In his life-changing book Eaarth: Making a Life on a Tough New Planet, Bill McKibben discusses at length the importance of focusing on small and local. Food, energy, and governance needs to be focused on local, manageable projects. Keeping a backyard flock is part of that movement.
Vitamin N
Contact with nature including gardens and pets (backyard chickens are a hybrid of pets and food source), has shown to reduce mental illness - including depression and anxiety - obesity and even violence. It improves mood and the ability to concentrate (hello test scores), and speeds up physical healing. Backyard gardens, parks, household pets, neighborhood trees, and yes, chickens, help create healthier people and healthier communities. Richard Louv calls contact with nature Vitamin N. In his book The Nature Principle, he writes, "an emerging high-tech/high-nature housing design philosophy includes conserving energy, using nature-friendly materials, and also applying biophilic design principles to promote health, human energy, and beauty." (p. 161) Backyard chickens are not a fallback to dirt yards in podunkville, they are a part of a diverse and progressive redesign of urban living that includes wilderness, gardens, and high-tech living.
Healthy Children and Communities
What happens when you give kids nutritious food, a sense of security, and a connection with nature? They do better in school and are less likely to follow a violent lifestyle.And what about adults? Well, the same thing happens. Healthy, safe, engaged adults care for themselves and their neighbors.
Now who wouldn't want to create these conditions for their cities? Well cared for urban chickens need to be legalized in Aurora, Colorado.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Prayer and Intention for Japan
I read that Denver Botanic Gardens has created a wish tree for prayer, wishes, and reflection for the Japanese struggling with the massive earthquake, tsunami, and other related disasters. At first I thought - wow, they need so much more than prayers! They need food, financial resources, blankets.... everything! I caught myself. Of course they need those things. But caught up as I was in the here and now, I forgot for a moment the power of intention and prayer. We exists within and of the quantum sea. We are all connected. Thoughts have power. Heart fields have immense power. One way to tap into this power is to sit in nature - wilderness, a garden, a city park - and breathe. Ground yourself. Focus on Japan. Vibrate with love, healing, and wholeness. It will raise the vibrations in Japan and throughout the quantum sea.
When you send financial support (through a verified source like the Red Cross or Save the Children) send your intentions through the energy of money as well. Money and intention are both essentially energy. Energy - vibrations - bring other energies into attunement with themselves. Your intentions do make a positive difference.
When you send financial support (through a verified source like the Red Cross or Save the Children) send your intentions through the energy of money as well. Money and intention are both essentially energy. Energy - vibrations - bring other energies into attunement with themselves. Your intentions do make a positive difference.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Affirming Inherent Goodness
I've been struggling with an issue that affects every area of my life. Lately it's been particularly difficult. Last night I talked to my husband about the issue, my feelings and reactions, my struggles and stuckness. Compassionate man that he is, he listened for a long time, nodding and such, and then offered some things that might in a small way help. They weren't bad ideas. But I realized the reason I get frustrated and resistant when I'm talking to someone about an issue and they offer advice or solutions. Now, we all do this. We all want those we care about to feel better. We like to fix things. We like people to be happy. But in that moment, what I really wanted was to be assured that even though I'm struggling, lost, sad, angry, and frustrated; even though I have demonstrated some not-so-pretty behavior; even though I don't have any answers and am therefore "failing" at something in my life, that I am still an okay person. Not just okay - inherently, deeply lovable.
That realization helped me clarify a parenting approach as well. In Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, Naomi Aldort presents a compassionate approach to parenting that relies heavily on affirming our children's feelings and desires. I've found that simply reflecting what my daughter feels, though, often stirs up a maelstrom of emotions that stop us dead in our tracks. Aldort writes about this, saying that if our child has not felt affirmed enough in the past, reflecting emotions can open the floodgates. I've had a sense, though, that with my daughter there is more going on. Last night I realized it's not enough to reflect. I have to convey to her that she is a good person even though she is feeling difficult emotions. Even though she is resistant and angry and overwhelmed, she is still okay. Still fabulous even! That her emotions happen but are not equal to her self. This has to be behind any affirming or reflecting I offer. Otherwise, I say, "You're sad about that," and she cries harder because of the sadness itself, because she has this belief that sadness is not okay.
So this shall be my new approach - to offer love, not solutions; affirmation of Self, not just naming of emotions. For my daughter and everyone else.
That realization helped me clarify a parenting approach as well. In Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, Naomi Aldort presents a compassionate approach to parenting that relies heavily on affirming our children's feelings and desires. I've found that simply reflecting what my daughter feels, though, often stirs up a maelstrom of emotions that stop us dead in our tracks. Aldort writes about this, saying that if our child has not felt affirmed enough in the past, reflecting emotions can open the floodgates. I've had a sense, though, that with my daughter there is more going on. Last night I realized it's not enough to reflect. I have to convey to her that she is a good person even though she is feeling difficult emotions. Even though she is resistant and angry and overwhelmed, she is still okay. Still fabulous even! That her emotions happen but are not equal to her self. This has to be behind any affirming or reflecting I offer. Otherwise, I say, "You're sad about that," and she cries harder because of the sadness itself, because she has this belief that sadness is not okay.
So this shall be my new approach - to offer love, not solutions; affirmation of Self, not just naming of emotions. For my daughter and everyone else.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Healing Shame: The Work of Seven Generations
I recently came across the book Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson, Ed.D., and read it voraciously. I have never considered myself a punitive parent, for we don't hit our kids and have tried to frame time-outs as calming down time. But reading this book I saw how we are still using shame and blame to try to coerce our children (mostly my daughter, for my son is only 14 months old) into behaving in ways we condone. Like getting angry at my daughter for interrupting, or sending her to her room for screaming at us. In Positive Discipline Nelson discusses how erroneous it is to think that a child will do better by being made to feel worse, that in fact a child doesn't sit there in time out or when mom is yelling at her and think, man, I need to be a better person. She just feels bad about herself and angry at mom. She feels powerless and acts accordingly. I highly recommend the book or its companion, Positive Discipline A-Z -- 1001 Solutions to Everyday Parenting Problems for any and every parent.
But beware. In evaluating and changing most of the ways I interact with my daughter (with whom I've been battling since birth), I'm going through a powerful and intense process. My rational brain says that "all" I'm doing is learning a new skill set in order to deal with something that hasn't been working (punitive discipline works in the moment but over time makes it all worse). But I'm exhausted, achy, and emotional. I'm angry and sad. I even woke up with a mild bout of mastitis (which is all about anger and boundaries and service).
Every time my daughter misbehaves or does something annoying or makes a request of me, I stop, notice my gut reaction, and then draw on this new skill set. This means 100 times a day I have to evaluate and change my patterns of relating. On an energetic level, I realized, this is huge. I'm changing the energy between me and my daughter, me and my husband, and even between me and my parents. I realized, for instance, that the sadness that plagued me the other morning was all the stuffed sadness and shame I felt as a child when punished. Again, my family was not terribly strict or punitive, nor were my parents overly permissive. I'm seeing, though, in reading this book, how subtle and pervasive our culture of shame and blame truly is. How we hand that shame down from generation to generation, an undetected language about the self and the world. I am feeling not only my unconscious sadness finally arising, but also sadness about how surprisingly difficult it is to be kind but firm all the time, telling my daughter with my actions, words, and tone of voice that she is valued, that she belongs, that I love her unconditionally - how awful that this is so hard! I am also, I suspect, feeling the sadness of all the generations past who were shamed and blamed and told they didn't matter because that is what people did and still do with each other, especially children.
For it is said that when you heal an emotional wound, you heal the seven generations behind you. I see them all, my parents, my grandparents, their parents, on back before my ancestors came to the United States, all carrying these weights of not belonging, not being good enough, being "bad" people. I can feel these weights. Feel the sadness and confusion and longing. Powerful and overwhelming.
And then there is the anger. I have a sneaky temper. I lash out, I realized, when I feel trapped and discouraged because I can't control others or myself. My father was the same way. Yelling or banging a wooden spoon on the sauce pan hard enough to break it are ways of releasing the fire of frustration that boils over with humbling regularity. I have worked so so hard to manage this anger, and even more so now as I use positive discipline techniques. The only problem is the anger is still there. It rises like bile when I am in my reaction phase. I breath, do snake breath (check "Managing Mama Rage" by Tera Freese in the November-December 2010 issue of Mothering magazine - a timely article for me), try to cool down, and then deal with my daughter or husband's offending behavior in a more enlightened manner. But by the end of the day, partly due to my being totally yin deficient, wherein the kidney cannot "cool" the liver, I have a very cranky bit of anger churning inside me. Not pretty. I'm doing meditation, talking, writing, and breathing. I'm noticing my anger. I'm noticing my usual patterns of reacting. I'm healing and changing and it isn't easy.
I have been a spiritually minded person my whole life. I have done therapy and bodywork. NET and Reiki. Retreats, expressive arts therapy, massage. But the most powerful and intense path of healing I've encountered is conscious parenting. Being a mom is hard work. It is healing work, for myself, my children, and the seven generations before me. I wish you guidance and strength on your healing journey. Blessed be.
But beware. In evaluating and changing most of the ways I interact with my daughter (with whom I've been battling since birth), I'm going through a powerful and intense process. My rational brain says that "all" I'm doing is learning a new skill set in order to deal with something that hasn't been working (punitive discipline works in the moment but over time makes it all worse). But I'm exhausted, achy, and emotional. I'm angry and sad. I even woke up with a mild bout of mastitis (which is all about anger and boundaries and service).
Every time my daughter misbehaves or does something annoying or makes a request of me, I stop, notice my gut reaction, and then draw on this new skill set. This means 100 times a day I have to evaluate and change my patterns of relating. On an energetic level, I realized, this is huge. I'm changing the energy between me and my daughter, me and my husband, and even between me and my parents. I realized, for instance, that the sadness that plagued me the other morning was all the stuffed sadness and shame I felt as a child when punished. Again, my family was not terribly strict or punitive, nor were my parents overly permissive. I'm seeing, though, in reading this book, how subtle and pervasive our culture of shame and blame truly is. How we hand that shame down from generation to generation, an undetected language about the self and the world. I am feeling not only my unconscious sadness finally arising, but also sadness about how surprisingly difficult it is to be kind but firm all the time, telling my daughter with my actions, words, and tone of voice that she is valued, that she belongs, that I love her unconditionally - how awful that this is so hard! I am also, I suspect, feeling the sadness of all the generations past who were shamed and blamed and told they didn't matter because that is what people did and still do with each other, especially children.
For it is said that when you heal an emotional wound, you heal the seven generations behind you. I see them all, my parents, my grandparents, their parents, on back before my ancestors came to the United States, all carrying these weights of not belonging, not being good enough, being "bad" people. I can feel these weights. Feel the sadness and confusion and longing. Powerful and overwhelming.
And then there is the anger. I have a sneaky temper. I lash out, I realized, when I feel trapped and discouraged because I can't control others or myself. My father was the same way. Yelling or banging a wooden spoon on the sauce pan hard enough to break it are ways of releasing the fire of frustration that boils over with humbling regularity. I have worked so so hard to manage this anger, and even more so now as I use positive discipline techniques. The only problem is the anger is still there. It rises like bile when I am in my reaction phase. I breath, do snake breath (check "Managing Mama Rage" by Tera Freese in the November-December 2010 issue of Mothering magazine - a timely article for me), try to cool down, and then deal with my daughter or husband's offending behavior in a more enlightened manner. But by the end of the day, partly due to my being totally yin deficient, wherein the kidney cannot "cool" the liver, I have a very cranky bit of anger churning inside me. Not pretty. I'm doing meditation, talking, writing, and breathing. I'm noticing my anger. I'm noticing my usual patterns of reacting. I'm healing and changing and it isn't easy.
I have been a spiritually minded person my whole life. I have done therapy and bodywork. NET and Reiki. Retreats, expressive arts therapy, massage. But the most powerful and intense path of healing I've encountered is conscious parenting. Being a mom is hard work. It is healing work, for myself, my children, and the seven generations before me. I wish you guidance and strength on your healing journey. Blessed be.
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